Funny Fridays

Myspace Drugs Pre Dramatic Syndrome

2009-08-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

Maximum Strength Myspace Pills - Good for the relief from Drama, Rumors and Annoying Bulletins. Id like some of these please. I wonder if they are over the counter or you need to see a doctor for a prescription.

Tabbouleh or Tabouli Song Video

2009-04-12T07:10:00.000-07:00

After watching this Tabouleh Song, good luck in getting it out of your head.

Do Re Mi at Belgium Train Station

2009-04-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

Ahh, The Sound of Music. It seems that Belgium has a passion for Do Re Mi and the music of Rodgers and Hammerstein. Not sure what prompted this performance at Antwerp Central Railway Station. But its well choreographed and is quite clever. Always nice to hear the wonderful voice of Julie Andrews...

Sleeping Security Guard Halloween Pic

2009-03-20T07:03:00.000-07:00

I think that if i was a security guard, the one day of the year that i wouldnt fall asleep would be on Halloween. Ive seen Nightmare on Elm Street, i know what happens when you fall asleep.

Thats a Skinny Thin Building

2009-03-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

Talk about making the best use of a small space. That has got to be one of the thinest buildings in the world! I wonder if there are actual apartments in this building. I guess so. Hard to believe that people could live in a place so small. Single beds only please!

Outsourced Movie Trailer

2009-03-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

Looks like a great movie! And of course it features the very beautiful and talented Ayesha Dharker. Those eyes....wow!

See Though Glass Public Toilet

2009-03-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

Im not sure i would be too comfortable using this two way mirror public toilet. Might have stage fright!

Dog takes Drink from Sprinkler

2009-03-15T06:11:00.000-07:00

How funny is this? Dog is so desperate for a drink that he is willing to get one from a really fast sprinkler! Great photo.

Craig in Windsor Sign for a Girlfriend

2009-03-11T19:38:00.000-07:00

Would you like to be Craig from Windsor's girlfriend? He is 35, can cook a little and has a dvd collection. Thats certainly enough for some. Meet him here at 6pm on Friday.

Time Machine Craig Sign Windsor

2009-03-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

Craig has built a time machine and is posting this public notice to ensure that nobody is standing in this spot at 11.37am tomorrow. Its nice that he is so considerate.

Craig's Sign in Windsor Lost Sweat Band

2009-03-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

Craig has lost his sweat band. If you have found it, meet him here at this Australia Post box tomorrow at noon and he will take you to a movie. It has to be before 4pm cos thats when he heads to work.

Craig Sign Poster Chapel Street

2009-03-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

Craig from Windsor would like to discuss the golbl financial crisis. Meet him next to this pole on Chapel Street Prahran at 4pm if you want a chat.

Craig's Signs in Prahran & Windsor

2009-03-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

Craig from windsor likes to post signs. This one suggests that he would like to do stuff. Help him out, if oyu like stuf, meet him next to this pole at 6.30pm.

Funny Craig from Windsor Photo Signs

2009-03-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

Would you like a queen size mattress? Craig from Windsor thinks you might - swap you for a couple of bucks so he can get a banana Big M.

Crazy Screaming Hong Kong Woman at Airport

2009-02-15T21:01:00.000-08:00

What not to do when you miss your flight. What was this woman at the Hong Kong Airport thinking? Probably wasn't, just mad and crazy. If you don't like listening to a screaming woman, don't watch this video.

Wedgie Poke Olympic Wrestling

2009-02-03T15:37:00.000-08:00

Its more than just the finger up the butt crack here thats disturbing. Its the mean look on the face of the poker and the look of pain on the recipient. Ouch.

Just a 12 Year Old Gigolo in Hong Kong

2009-02-03T07:28:00.000-08:00

Police in Hong Kong are investigating a 12-year-old schoolboy who posted naked pictures of himself online and offered himself as a gigolo for women as old as 45.

The boy gave himself the nickname Little Leung and offered sexual services to "females between the ages of 10 and 45" on an adult friendship forum, the Hong Kong Standard reported on Monday.

His bizarre advertisement, which included a photograph of his private parts, described him as a Christian and offered to "make love" to girls and women for 450 Hong Kong dollars ($A91).

Outraged internet users published the boy's personal details online and threatened to report him to the secondary school where he is a first-year pupil.

The schoolboy's identity was revealed by a process known in China as "human search engine," in which internet users pool resources and information to track a person down.

After he was unmasked, the boy on Saturday posted an online appeal to his principal and teachers not to expel him from school, the Standard said.

Police said they were investigating the case but said no arrests or charges had been made. Soliciting for an immoral purpose carries a maximum six-month jail sentence in Hong Kong for adult offenders.

Jehovah's Witness in Heaven Joke

2009-02-01T23:16:00.000-08:00

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

French Toilet Bank Robber

2009-02-01T15:25:00.000-08:00

MARSEILLE, France - A hapless thief drilled his way into a French bank at the weekend, but missed the safe and instead found himself in a lavatory where he was promptly arrested, a French newspaper reported Sunday.

The 21-year-old broke into a building adjoining a branch of Banque Populaire in the Mediterranean port city of Marseille in the early hours of Saturday morning, La Provence newspaper said.

The paper said the man, who came from Belgium and was not named, thought that he was going to end up in a room housing safe deposit boxes but instead drilled into the lavatories.

Alarms were triggered when he broke through the wall and police caught the man when they arrived on the scene.

Dont Eat Blowfish Balls

2009-01-27T15:08:00.000-08:00

Seven diners in northern Japan fell ill and three remained hospitalised on Tuesday after eating blowfish testicles prepared in a restaurant not authorised to serve the poisonous delicacy.

The owner of the restaurant in Tsuruoka city, who is also the chef, had no licence to serve blowfish and was being questioned on suspicion of professional negligence, police official Yoshihito Iwase said.

Blowfish, while extremely poisonous if not prepared properly, is considered a delicacy in Japan and is consumed by thrill-seeking gourmets.

Iwase said the seven men ordered sashimi and grilled blowfish testicles at the restaurant on Monday night.

Shortly after, they developed limb paralysis and breathing trouble and started to lose consciousness - typical signs of blowfish poisoning - and were rushed to a hospital for treatment, Iwase said.

A 68-year-old diner remained hospitalised in critical condition with respiratory failure and two others, aged 55 and 69, were in serious condition, he said.

"It's scary. If you go to a decent-looking restaurant that serves fugu, you would assume a cook has a proper fugu licence," Iwase said, using the Japanese term for blowfish.

Blowfish poison, called tetrodotoxin, is nearly 100 times more poisonous than potassium cyanide, according to the Ishikawa Health Service Association. It can cause death within an hour and a half after consumption.

Three people died and 44 others were sickened by blowfish poisoning in 2007 - most of them after catching the fish and cooking it at home - according to the Health Ministry.

How Not to Park Your Car

2009-01-26T05:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, this is a good example of how not to park you car. You should usually try to avoid placing it on top of another one. Oops.

No More President Bush Joke

2009-01-26T05:46:00.000-08:00

Last week an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Ok," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President anymore and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow"

Boy Impersonates Cop in Chicago

2009-01-25T22:18:00.000-08:00

A 14-year-old aspiring police officer donned a uniform, walked into a Chicago police station and managed to get an assignment - patrolling in a squad car for five hours before he was detected, US police said on Sunday.

The boy did not have a gun, never issued any tickets and didn't drive the squad car, Deputy Superintendent Daniel Dugan said.

Assistant Superintendent James Jackson said the ruse was discovered only after the boy's patrol with an actual officer ended on Saturday.

Officers noticed his uniform lacked a star that is part of the regulation uniform.

Police said they were investigating how the deception went undetected for so long in what they described as a serious security breach.

Police didn't identify the boy because of his age. He has been charged as a juvenile with impersonating an officer.

Dugan said the boy looked older than 14 and was motivated by a desire to be an officer, not malice or "ill intent".

The boy once took part in a Chicago program for youth interested in policing, so he would have been familiar with some procedures, perhaps helping him blend in, police spokeswoman Monique Bond said.

Funniest Marriage Names Weener Whipple

2009-01-25T03:47:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to Amy Weener and Mathew Whipple on their engagement. At least Amy can lose the Weener name and take Whipple if she wants. Or Mathew could go against the trend and become a Weener.

How to Outrun a Tiger

2009-01-25T03:42:00.000-08:00

Two friends are walking in the jungle.

Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them. One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on.

With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?"

"I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you".

Towards and Away Fishing Joke

2009-01-24T15:48:00.000-08:00

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their good-byes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a really big fish that must of been!

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

Give Your Dog a Cookie Photo

2009-01-23T21:01:00.000-08:00

Classic funny dog photo. Do we think he will get to this biscuit or cookie? I think so, determined look in his eyes.

Complaining Customer and Waiter

2009-01-23T20:56:00.000-08:00

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too hot, and so it went for about a half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Cheating Fitness Center Photo

2009-01-23T20:47:00.000-08:00

Kind of defeats the purpose or intention of a fitness center to have escalators at the entrance doesnt it? Whats next, have the instructor lift the weights for you?

The End Of Bush

2009-01-22T20:17:00.000-08:00

Sums up the week perfectly. Geeks for Obama.

Blonde Locks Keys in Car Joke

2009-01-22T20:11:00.000-08:00

This blonde walked into a clothes store and asked the cashier if he had a hanger or something to unlock her car because she locked her keys in the car.

He nodded and handed her a hanger. She thanked him and went outside to set to work.

A little while later the cashier decided to check on her and saw her working at it and another blonde inside the car was saying "a little to the left...no, a little to the right..."

Funny Pink Pussy Cat Photo

2009-01-22T20:08:00.000-08:00

Would you believe that someone actually dyed their white pussy cat pink? Thats just wrong. Poor cat.

Check is In the Mail Lawyer Joke

2009-01-22T20:04:00.000-08:00

A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.

One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick - shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!"

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods.

"Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?

Cab Drivers Criminal Records

2009-01-22T20:01:00.002-08:00

Im sure we have all worried about some of the taxi cab drivers we have had over the years. This could be a good reason why. Criminal record required.

How to Know You Have Grown Up

2009-01-22T20:01:00.001-08:00

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - it's the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Funny Photos from the Beach Cell Phone

2009-01-22T18:51:00.000-08:00

There are some beaches where you are not allowed to take cell phone photos, or any photos. This one is ok. Very clever sand sculpture.

Really Funny Marriage Names

2009-01-22T15:41:00.000-08:00

A Mr Butts to marry a Miss McCracken? Surely not. I hope she doesn't take a hyphenated name. Some really weird names get together. I remember seeing on where a girl whose first name is Ebony married a guy whose surname is Ivory. Thats no joke. Well, its funny, but its no joke.

More How to Have Fun at a Funeral

2009-01-21T19:54:00.000-08:00

Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.

Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

Get someone to call you on your cell phone during ceremony and pretend your talking to the deceased person.

Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

Write "Best before last week" on the top of the coffin when nobody is looking.

Accidentally sneeze on the deceased, and literally wipe the smile off his face.

Dog Hates Bush and Cheney

2009-01-21T15:19:00.000-08:00

This Retriever dog is showing his distate for the Bush Cheney ticket in 04. I think he was for Kerry. Maybe he didnt like Barney.

Children on the Phone Joke

2009-01-21T15:17:00.000-08:00

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult,the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the Helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

Real Lawyer Definition Ad

2009-01-21T00:55:00.000-08:00

Rush, Rush and Delay, Attorneys at Law. Yep, that pretty much sums up lawyers. At least they are honest. I wonder how much business they get with those names.

Funny Hillary In 08 Humor

2009-01-21T00:49:00.000-08:00

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a store. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man. How about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for "having worn tires". So I called him a "member of the doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

Watch Out for Ice Polar Bear Sign

2009-01-21T00:47:00.000-08:00

See what could happen if you dont follow the advice of this Ice sign? You could fall on your back like the polar bear.

Talking Milk For Sale

2009-01-20T07:13:00.000-08:00

Bi Lingual Milk for sale. I wonder what two languages it speaks.

Highway Working Crew Joke

2009-01-20T07:08:00.000-08:00

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and
realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some
shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive."

Funny Parrots Bible Joke

2009-01-20T07:05:00.000-08:00

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l has a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Lawyer's Son Joke

2009-01-20T07:03:00.000-08:00

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, "Father, father, in one day I broke that accident case that you've been working on for the past four years!"

"You did what!" His father exclaimed. "You idiot, what do you think put you through law school!"

Funny Shape Custom Dust Bags

2009-01-20T07:00:00.000-08:00

Why is this woman hugging this custom dust bag that is in the shape of a...well you know what it is in the shape of. Its a very disturbing, but very funny photo.

Funny Real Kids Question

2009-01-20T06:59:00.000-08:00

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked..."Then why did you eat him?"

Parents and Boy on Balcony Joke

2009-01-19T19:03:00.000-08:00

Bob and Jenny decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Mitchell's have company," he called out. "Pete`s riding a new bike and the Robertsons are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Funny Tattoo the Dog Ad

2009-01-19T18:57:00.000-08:00

Multi tasking gone mad. Clean, iron, wash and tattoo. Why would i want my dog tattooed?

Tough Workplace Crammed Photo

2009-01-19T18:50:00.000-08:00

Now this is as good a reason as any to not work in an office with shared cubicles.

Halloween Costume Party

2009-01-19T18:34:00.000-08:00

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Bob, Andy and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"

Driving Priest and Cops Joke

2009-01-19T17:55:00.000-08:00

The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, "You appear to have been drinking!"

The driver answers, "No sir, I am just tired."

The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, "What is, or should I say what was in this bottle?

The driver answers, "Water!"

The policeman says, "It is not, it's wine!"

The driver looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Jesus, you've done it again."

Funny Upside Down School Bus

2009-01-19T04:20:00.000-08:00

An upside down school bus? But what for? I suppose if it flips oyu can just keep on driving. Does that mean that there are seats coming out of the roof too?

Funny No Hooking Sign Picture

2009-01-18T23:19:00.000-08:00

No Hooking anytime. In case you cant read the slogan, "This is a no hooking zone, you are being recorded and will be reported. Your vehicle can be taken away" Hopefully not with you in it. Have a close look at the rubbish outside the car. Hmm, disturbing sign. Id take note of it if i were you.

Boys Playing With Dolls Photo

2009-01-18T22:26:00.000-08:00

Well i wouldnt say this boy is exactly playing with this doll, hes kind of eating it or licking it. This kid is learning some bad habits isnt he? Bad habits now, but good habits for later in life.

The Male Chauvinist Joke

2009-01-18T22:23:00.000-08:00

Cathy was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work!

But one evening Cathy arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Bobby, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner, Cathy said. "Bobby even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"It didn't work out," Cathy said. "Bobby was too tired."

Waiting For Your Wife Joke

2009-01-18T22:21:00.000-08:00

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of make up knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.

"Well," the woman said, "Could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the sitting room and left her there for more than three hours.

After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked, "May I ask where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she coming back?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

Funny Classifieds Fork For Sale

2009-01-18T21:28:00.000-08:00

This is just great, selling a mangled fork for 50 cents. Ahh, but also selling a garbage disposal unit, used once but needs repair. Am i right in guessing that the mangled fork had something to do with the damage to the garbage disposal?

Political Correctness for Teenagers

2009-01-18T18:47:00.000-08:00

No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot.. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenging."

Funny Jumpers Booster Cables

2009-01-18T14:42:00.000-08:00

All looks good, and thats not a bad price for booster cables or jumper leads. But hang on one little minute. Whats missing here? One red, one black and lots of lead....Hard to attach a red to red if there is only one of them. Not much boosting going on here im afraid.

Funny Ads Nasal Irrigator Photo

2009-01-18T14:40:00.000-08:00

Now who wouldnt want a Nasal Irrigator? Nasaline, bringing you some of the more disgusting home medical remedies.

Funny Solar Panel Stereo HiFi Photo

2009-01-18T04:37:00.000-08:00

This reminds me of those ghettoblasters from the 80's that idiots used to walk around with on their shoulders. And they toook up about 10 batteries which lasted for all of 45mins. These guys have the solution, albeit it takes 4 of them to carry it. A full sterero system on the beach with a solar panel. Funny.

This is your Captain Plane's On Fire Joke

2009-01-18T04:34:00.000-08:00

"This is Captain Roberts speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard Delta flight 594 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 38,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire."

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you."

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."

Hiding Frosty The Snowman

2009-01-18T04:32:00.000-08:00

This is a dangerous situation for Frosty the Snowman. He could be attacked and finished any minute now. Good that he has found a tree. Is that a stick in his hand or a gun? Could be a dangerous snowman.

Dont Remind God Joke

2009-01-18T04:31:00.000-08:00

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

How to Smoke with Your Toes

2009-01-18T04:29:00.000-08:00

You want to smoke with your toes? Just ask ths guy. Not only can he concentrate on the cards, he can smoke with one foot and write with the other. Just curious how he gets the cigarette to his mouth. Talented guy.

Priest's Ass Horse Racing Joke

2009-01-18T04:27:00.000-08:00

A Priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey. The Priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. The next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Funny Really Rude Trees

2009-01-17T18:44:00.000-08:00

Anyone want to post a comment about these really rude male and female trees? Surely they should cover up before doing this stuff, kids could be watching.

Funny Fishing Photos in The Road

2009-01-17T18:33:00.000-08:00

This reminds me of the old joke, the boy fishing in a puddle in the road, old guy comes up to him out of sympathy and asks, "How many have you caught today?" Boy answers, "You're the 14th." This is a really large pot hole, id be staggered to think that there were any fish in it.

How to Know You Live in a Small Town

2009-01-17T18:28:00.000-08:00

The local phone book has only one yellow page.

Third Street is on the edge of town.

You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.

You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.

No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

The city limits signs are both on the same post!

The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.

The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.

The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2.

The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.

The phone book has only one page.

There's nothing doing every minute.

The ZIP code is a fraction.

Second Street is in the next town over.

There's no place to go that you shouldn't.

A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.

The New Year's baby was born in October.

Funny Riding a Bike Sign Path

2009-01-17T06:23:00.000-08:00

Some people are very smart and imaginative. Now who would have ever thought you could pose for a photo with a bike sign on a bike path? It works doesnt it?

What Estate Agents Really Mean

2009-01-16T16:26:00.000-08:00

We have all read them, the descriptions that accompany ads for property. This is what Realtors really mean when they say...

SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - Next to a noisy bar.

OLD WORLD CHARM - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.

CONTEMPORARY FEELING - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.

CLOSE TO LAKES - Impossible to park from April to October.

WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed supporting walls.

SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbor has a dog.

NEEDS TLC - Major structural damage.

UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows.

MOTIVATED SELLER - Has been on the market for 14 years.

CONVENIENT - Located on freeway entrance ramp.

MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.

NEUTRAL DECOR - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.

MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing.

COZY - No room larger than 9 x 6.

LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM - Ping Pong table over sewer opening.

LIGHT OPEN SPACES - Many holes in walls and ceiling.

OUTSTANDING - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.

A WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES - Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies.

BOX ROOM - Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes ... folded.

BY PRIVATE TREATY - If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.

COMPACT - Tiny.

COUNTRY GENTLEMAN'S RESIDENCE - No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.

DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE - It looks terrible.

DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION - In flight path of nuclear bomber base.

EASILY MAINTAINED - Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.

EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED - Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.

FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST - Grounds like a jungle.

LOCAL AUTHORITY GRANTS AVAILABLE - About to be condemned.

MUCH SOUGHT AFTER - It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.

OWNER EAGER TO SELL - If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.

PARTIAL CENTRAL HEATING - The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.

PERIOD RESIDENCE - Built in the last two years.

QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING - On site of proposed dormitory town.

RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY - No one else wants it.

SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD - Beside sewage works.

SOLD - Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.

SUBJECT TO NEW INSTRUCTIONS - They have just discovered death watch beetle.

UNSPOILED - Planning permission granted for field next door.

UNUSUAL FEATURES - No roof.

UNUSUAL LOCATION - In the path of a projected motorway.

USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS - No inside toilet.

WELL SITUATED - In full view of the neighbors.

WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF - Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.

Funny Photo Overloaded Mini Tractor

2009-01-16T16:23:00.000-08:00

Ive seen stupid things in my time, but this almost takes the cake. Im guessing they are bags of wheat or some sort of grain on top of this very mini tractor or quad bike. One wrong move and they will all come crashing down, probably on this guy's head. Worst job in the world?

Some Rules for Writers

2009-01-16T16:19:00.001-08:00

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Don't use no double negatives.

12. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out or mispeld something.

13. Eschew obfuscation.

Funny Ads What Santa Wishes For Knife

2009-01-15T20:57:00.000-08:00

Santa wishes for a knife? Really? What on earth for? I hope they are not saying that Santa needs protection. Or that he has some bad plans for all those naughty kids. AG Russell knives. Hmm, i dont really like your advertising strategy.

Really Dirty Ice Scuplture Car

2009-01-15T16:02:00.000-08:00

Some person or people have gone to a lot of trouble to make this ice sculpture on the car. Im not going to say what i think they are doing.

Funny Irish Drunk Joke

2009-01-15T16:01:00.000-08:00

An Irishman is really, really drunk, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says:
"Right, you've had enough, go home..."

So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says:

"Ok, i'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more"

He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home. when he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face. so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.

The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?'

The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?'

His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'

Funny Football Photos New Stand

2009-01-15T15:55:00.000-08:00

Classic football photo. Alsmost empty stand inside the ground, but full building just outside. These spectators arent idiots. They wont to pay if they dont have to. I think the football ground's only solution is to build a baricade or wall as tall as the building. Not going to happen!

Funny Funeral Jokes How to Have Fun

2009-01-15T15:53:00.000-08:00

Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.

Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

Funny Cars New Design Added Horsepower

2009-01-15T07:47:00.000-08:00

Yes, 2 horsepower on this car to be exact. Its a new meaning to horse and car. So why have an engine when you can hook up the rear of the car to a couple of horses. I wonder if you can buy the cars like this directly from the dealer or showroom. Come much cheaper.

Funny Cars New Volkswagen Jetta Body

2009-01-15T07:45:00.000-08:00

I love the idea of this ad. Ok, so the Jetta is all smashed up - lets call it a "New Body Style". Whats the bet that this ad was designed by someone in Marketing?

Weird Snake and Child Friends

2009-01-14T18:03:00.000-08:00

yeah, id let my kid play with a big python snake. Not. Just a little dangerous.

Funny Magnetic Alphabet for Sale

2009-01-14T15:50:00.000-08:00

The old Magnetic Alphabet. Good for kids. Now where are all those letters?

Low Flying Air France Plane

2009-01-14T15:48:00.000-08:00

I cant say that this is a beach i would want to be relaxing on. That is some very low flying air france plane.

Red Legs Rude Wash Basin

2009-01-14T06:42:00.000-08:00

There is something altogether wrong about this photo of a woman's red legs being used as a wash basin. Have a look at that pose and the way the kid has to lean over the backside to get to the tap. Yes, very wrong.

Funny High Heel Stool Shoes

2009-01-13T16:41:00.000-08:00

Ive never understood the obsession with high heel shoes. This is a smart alteration, make them in the shape of a stools or chair. Foot stools? More comfortable.

Clever Marketing Joke

2009-01-13T16:39:00.000-08:00

An inter-office softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company.

The support staff beat the marketing department soundly.

To show just how the marketing department earns their living, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2008 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, winning only one game."

Christmas Thanksgiving Turkey Hiding

2009-01-13T16:33:00.000-08:00

This turkey doesnt want to become dinner does he? What better way to hide than by putting a lamp shade on your head. Better to be sitting down to thanksgiving or christmas dinner rather than being dinner itself.

Strange Questions for Life

2009-01-13T16:32:00.000-08:00

1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

6. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

10. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

12. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

13. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

14. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

18. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

19. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

20. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

21. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

22. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

23. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

Funny Mens Inheritance Joke

2009-01-13T16:30:00.000-08:00

Still living at home, bored, and expecting to inherit a fortune when his sickly widower father died, Bob decided he needed a woman to keep him company.

So he went to a singles bar, and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Bob that night.

And four days later, she became his stepmother.

Funny Helium Gas Picture

2009-01-13T16:28:00.000-08:00

I guess this is helium, but i suppose it could be any gas or even oxygen. Its what happens when you let it escape from the bottle. Nice face fella.

Hang On Overcrowded Truck

2009-01-13T16:22:00.000-08:00

This truck is so old im not quite sure how it is still running. And it is leaning an awful lot under its load. Thats not stopping these desperate people from climbing aboard and hanging on for dear life. I particularly like the lady in yellow who looks like she might fall at any moment. Odd.

What About Gay Marriage Video

2009-01-12T15:50:00.000-08:00

A very funny satirical take on Gay Marriage. At least i hope its satire. What we might have seen in the 1950's.

Funny Swahili Translation Joke

2009-01-11T22:16:00.000-08:00

A company was doing an English-language movie where, at one point, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili.

They even found someone who knew the language, and the scene worked beautifully in the movie - until it played in an African town where Swahili was well-known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:

"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"

How Not to Build Your Carport Garage

2009-01-11T22:14:00.000-08:00

Thats right, make sure when you build your carport or garage, you put a driveway up to it, and not just landscape a lawn in front of it. Very hard to get your car in. Then again, maybe these guys dont have a car. They just want to fill the garage with junk.

Stuck on a Desert Island Joke

2009-01-11T22:12:00.000-08:00

The shipwrecked man had spent a number of years on a deserted island.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned man a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

Very Rude Funny Door Mat Photo

2009-01-11T22:09:00.000-08:00

Just goes to show that some people dont want you to come around. I should have one of these funny door mats at my front door. People might get the message. I dont want you here.

Cadillac Boat Car Photo

2009-01-11T22:07:00.000-08:00

Why wouldnt you turn your car into a boat? Except that this cadillac really cant go onto to water. It would sink...wouldnt it?