Dont Eat Blowfish Balls

Seven diners in northern Japan fell ill and three remained hospitalised on Tuesday after eating blowfish testicles prepared in a restaurant not authorised to serve the poisonous delicacy.

The owner of the restaurant in Tsuruoka city, who is also the chef, had no licence to serve blowfish and was being questioned on suspicion of professional negligence, police official Yoshihito Iwase said.

Blowfish, while extremely poisonous if not prepared properly, is considered a delicacy in Japan and is consumed by thrill-seeking gourmets.

Iwase said the seven men ordered sashimi and grilled blowfish testicles at the restaurant on Monday night.

Shortly after, they developed limb paralysis and breathing trouble and started to lose consciousness - typical signs of blowfish poisoning - and were rushed to a hospital for treatment, Iwase said.

A 68-year-old diner remained hospitalised in critical condition with respiratory failure and two others, aged 55 and 69, were in serious condition, he said.

"It's scary. If you go to a decent-looking restaurant that serves fugu, you would assume a cook has a proper fugu licence," Iwase said, using the Japanese term for blowfish.

Blowfish poison, called tetrodotoxin, is nearly 100 times more poisonous than potassium cyanide, according to the Ishikawa Health Service Association. It can cause death within an hour and a half after consumption.

Three people died and 44 others were sickened by blowfish poisoning in 2007 - most of them after catching the fish and cooking it at home - according to the Health Ministry.

How Not to Park Your Car

funny photo of car parked on top of another one accident good lesson in how not to park Yes, this is a good example of how not to park you car. You should usually try to avoid placing it on top of another one. Oops.

No More President Bush Joke

Last week an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Ok," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President anymore and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow"

Boy Impersonates Cop in Chicago

A 14-year-old aspiring police officer donned a uniform, walked into a Chicago police station and managed to get an assignment - patrolling in a squad car for five hours before he was detected, US police said on Sunday.

The boy did not have a gun, never issued any tickets and didn't drive the squad car, Deputy Superintendent Daniel Dugan said.

Assistant Superintendent James Jackson said the ruse was discovered only after the boy's patrol with an actual officer ended on Saturday.

Officers noticed his uniform lacked a star that is part of the regulation uniform.

Police said they were investigating how the deception went undetected for so long in what they described as a serious security breach.

Police didn't identify the boy because of his age. He has been charged as a juvenile with impersonating an officer.

Dugan said the boy looked older than 14 and was motivated by a desire to be an officer, not malice or "ill intent".

The boy once took part in a Chicago program for youth interested in policing, so he would have been familiar with some procedures, perhaps helping him blend in, police spokeswoman Monique Bond said.

Funniest Marriage Names Weener Whipple

funy marriage names ad in newspaper engagement of weener whippleCongratulations to Amy Weener and Mathew Whipple on their engagement. At least Amy can lose the Weener name and take Whipple if she wants. Or Mathew could go against the trend and become a Weener.

How to Outrun a Tiger

Two friends are walking in the jungle.

Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them. One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on.

With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?"

"I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you".

Towards and Away Fishing Joke

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their good-byes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a really big fish that must of been!

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

Give Your Dog a Cookie Photo

funny picture of dog licking cookie in store determined to eat it Classic funny dog photo. Do we think he will get to this biscuit or cookie? I think so, determined look in his eyes.

Complaining Customer and Waiter

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too hot, and so it went for about a half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Cheating Fitness Center Photo

funny photo of fitness center that has escalators at entrance Kind of defeats the purpose or intention of a fitness center to have escalators at the entrance doesnt it? Whats next, have the instructor lift the weights for you?

The End Of Bush

geeks humor the end of bush graffiti Sums up the week perfectly. Geeks for Obama.

Blonde Locks Keys in Car Joke

This blonde walked into a clothes store and asked the cashier if he had a hanger or something to unlock her car because she locked her keys in the car.

He nodded and handed her a hanger. She thanked him and went outside to set to work.

A little while later the cashier decided to check on her and saw her working at it and another blonde inside the car was saying "a little to the, a little to the right..."

Funny Pink Pussy Cat Photo

Would you believe that someone actually dyed their white pussy cat pink? Thats just wrong. Poor cat.

Check is In the Mail Lawyer Joke

A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.

One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick - shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!"

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods.

"Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?

Cab Drivers Criminal Records

funny positions vacant job ad for taxi cab driver with criminal record required Im sure we have all worried about some of the taxi cab drivers we have had over the years. This could be a good reason why. Criminal record required.

How to Know You Have Grown Up

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - it's the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Funny Photos from the Beach Cell Phone

funny sand sculpture photos on the beach cell phone and castle There are some beaches where you are not allowed to take cell phone photos, or any photos. This one is ok. Very clever sand sculpture.

Really Funny Marriage Names

funny marriage names butts mccracken photoA Mr Butts to marry a Miss McCracken? Surely not. I hope she doesn't take a hyphenated name. Some really weird names get together. I remember seeing on where a girl whose first name is Ebony married a guy whose surname is Ivory. Thats no joke. Well, its funny, but its no joke.

More How to Have Fun at a Funeral

Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.

Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

Get someone to call you on your cell phone during ceremony and pretend your talking to the deceased person.

Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

Write "Best before last week" on the top of the coffin when nobody is looking.

Accidentally sneeze on the deceased, and literally wipe the smile off his face.

Dog Hates Bush and Cheney

funny photo of dog peeing on bush cheney yard sign in 04 This Retriever dog is showing his distate for the Bush Cheney ticket in 04. I think he was for Kerry. Maybe he didnt like Barney.

Children on the Phone Joke

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.


"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult,the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"


"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the Helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:


Real Lawyer Definition Ad

funny lawyer ads rush rush delay attorneys at law Rush, Rush and Delay, Attorneys at Law. Yep, that pretty much sums up lawyers. At least they are honest. I wonder how much business they get with those names.

Funny Hillary In 08 Humor

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a store. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man. How about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for "having worn tires". So I called him a "member of the doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

Watch Out for Ice Polar Bear Sign

funny picture of watch out for ice sign with polar bear on its back See what could happen if you dont follow the advice of this Ice sign? You could fall on your back like the polar bear.

Talking Milk For Sale

funny ad photo for bi lingual milk for sale Bi Lingual Milk for sale. I wonder what two languages it speaks.

Highway Working Crew Joke

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and
realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some
shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive."

Funny Parrots Bible Joke

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l has a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Lawyer's Son Joke

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, "Father, father, in one day I broke that accident case that you've been working on for the past four years!"

"You did what!" His father exclaimed. "You idiot, what do you think put you through law school!"

Funny Shape Custom Dust Bags

really funny ad photo of dust bags very phallic shape disturbing pictureWhy is this woman hugging this custom dust bag that is in the shape of a...well you know what it is in the shape of. Its a very disturbing, but very funny photo.

Funny Real Kids Question

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked..."Then why did you eat him?"

Parents and Boy on Balcony Joke

Bob and Jenny decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Mitchell's have company," he called out. "Pete`s riding a new bike and the Robertsons are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Funny Tattoo the Dog Ad

funny situations wanted wash, clean tattoo dog at your home Multi tasking gone mad. Clean, iron, wash and tattoo. Why would i want my dog tattooed?

Tough Workplace Crammed Photo

funny photos of crammed cubicle with fat guy Now this is as good a reason as any to not work in an office with shared cubicles.

Halloween Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Bob, Andy and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"

Driving Priest and Cops Joke

The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, "You appear to have been drinking!"

The driver answers, "No sir, I am just tired."

The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, "What is, or should I say what was in this bottle?

The driver answers, "Water!"

The policeman says, "It is not, it's wine!"

The driver looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Jesus, you've done it again."

Funny Upside Down School Bus

funny school bus photos upside down An upside down school bus? But what for? I suppose if it flips oyu can just keep on driving. Does that mean that there are seats coming out of the roof too?

Funny No Hooking Sign Picture

really funny signs pictures no hooking car will be taken away you will be recorded No Hooking anytime. In case you cant read the slogan, "This is a no hooking zone, you are being recorded and will be reported. Your vehicle can be taken away" Hopefully not with you in it. Have a close look at the rubbish outside the car. Hmm, disturbing sign. Id take note of it if i were you.

Boys Playing With Dolls Photo

funny photo of young boy playing with doll licking breast Well i wouldnt say this boy is exactly playing with this doll, hes kind of eating it or licking it. This kid is learning some bad habits isnt he? Bad habits now, but good habits for later in life.

The Male Chauvinist Joke

Cathy was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work!

But one evening Cathy arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Bobby, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner, Cathy said. "Bobby even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"It didn't work out," Cathy said. "Bobby was too tired."

Waiting For Your Wife Joke

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of make up knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.

"Well," the woman said, "Could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the sitting room and left her there for more than three hours.

After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked, "May I ask where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she coming back?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

Funny Classifieds Fork For Sale

funny classified ads mangled fork and garbage disposal for sale This is just great, selling a mangled fork for 50 cents. Ahh, but also selling a garbage disposal unit, used once but needs repair. Am i right in guessing that the mangled fork had something to do with the damage to the garbage disposal?

Political Correctness for Teenagers

No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot.. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenging."

Funny Jumpers Booster Cables

funny ad for booster cables jumper leads with only one black and one red missing All looks good, and thats not a bad price for booster cables or jumper leads. But hang on one little minute. Whats missing here? One red, one black and lots of lead....Hard to attach a red to red if there is only one of them. Not much boosting going on here im afraid.

Funny Ads Nasal Irrigator Photo

funny ad for nasaline nasal irrigator photo Now who wouldnt want a Nasal Irrigator? Nasaline, bringing you some of the more disgusting home medical remedies.

Funny Solar Panel Stereo HiFi Photo

funny beahc photo 4 guys walking carrying stereo no batteries needed with solar panel This reminds me of those ghettoblasters from the 80's that idiots used to walk around with on their shoulders. And they toook up about 10 batteries which lasted for all of 45mins. These guys have the solution, albeit it takes 4 of them to carry it. A full sterero system on the beach with a solar panel. Funny.

This is your Captain Plane's On Fire Joke

"This is Captain Roberts speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard Delta flight 594 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 38,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire."

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you."

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."

Hiding Frosty The Snowman

funny photo frosty the snowman hiding behind a tree from snow plough This is a dangerous situation for Frosty the Snowman. He could be attacked and finished any minute now. Good that he has found a tree. Is that a stick in his hand or a gun? Could be a dangerous snowman.

Dont Remind God Joke

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

How to Smoke with Your Toes

funny smoking photos holding cigarette bewtween toes and playing cards You want to smoke with your toes? Just ask ths guy. Not only can he concentrate on the cards, he can smoke with one foot and write with the other. Just curious how he gets the cigarette to his mouth. Talented guy.

Priest's Ass Horse Racing Joke

A Priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey. The Priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. The next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Funny Really Rude Trees

funny tree photos really rude male and female Anyone want to post a comment about these really rude male and female trees? Surely they should cover up before doing this stuff, kids could be watching.

Funny Fishing Photos in The Road

funny fishing photos man in road trying to catch fish in pot hole or puddleThis reminds me of the old joke, the boy fishing in a puddle in the road, old guy comes up to him out of sympathy and asks, "How many have you caught today?" Boy answers, "You're the 14th." This is a really large pot hole, id be staggered to think that there were any fish in it.

How to Know You Live in a Small Town

The local phone book has only one yellow page.

Third Street is on the edge of town.

You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.

You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.

No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

The city limits signs are both on the same post!

The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.

The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.

The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2.

The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.

The phone book has only one page.

There's nothing doing every minute.

The ZIP code is a fraction.

Second Street is in the next town over.

There's no place to go that you shouldn't.

A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.

The New Year's baby was born in October.

Funny Riding a Bike Sign Path

funny bike photos man riding a bike sign on path Some people are very smart and imaginative. Now who would have ever thought you could pose for a photo with a bike sign on a bike path? It works doesnt it?

What Estate Agents Really Mean

We have all read them, the descriptions that accompany ads for property. This is what Realtors really mean when they say...

SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - Next to a noisy bar.

OLD WORLD CHARM - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.

CONTEMPORARY FEELING - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.

CLOSE TO LAKES - Impossible to park from April to October.

WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed supporting walls.

SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbor has a dog.

NEEDS TLC - Major structural damage.

UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows.

MOTIVATED SELLER - Has been on the market for 14 years.

CONVENIENT - Located on freeway entrance ramp.

MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.

NEUTRAL DECOR - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.

MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing.

COZY - No room larger than 9 x 6.

LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM - Ping Pong table over sewer opening.

LIGHT OPEN SPACES - Many holes in walls and ceiling.

OUTSTANDING - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.

A WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES - Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies.

BOX ROOM - Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes ... folded.

BY PRIVATE TREATY - If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.


COUNTRY GENTLEMAN'S RESIDENCE - No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.

DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE - It looks terrible.

DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION - In flight path of nuclear bomber base.

EASILY MAINTAINED - Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.

EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED - Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.

FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST - Grounds like a jungle.


MUCH SOUGHT AFTER - It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.

OWNER EAGER TO SELL - If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.

PARTIAL CENTRAL HEATING - The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.

PERIOD RESIDENCE - Built in the last two years.

QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING - On site of proposed dormitory town.

RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY - No one else wants it.

SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD - Beside sewage works.

SOLD - Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.

SUBJECT TO NEW INSTRUCTIONS - They have just discovered death watch beetle.

UNSPOILED - Planning permission granted for field next door.


UNUSUAL LOCATION - In the path of a projected motorway.

USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS - No inside toilet.

WELL SITUATED - In full view of the neighbors.

WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF - Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.

Funny Photo Overloaded Mini Tractor

funny tractor photos overloaded with bags of wheat or grain worlds worst job dangerous Ive seen stupid things in my time, but this almost takes the cake. Im guessing they are bags of wheat or some sort of grain on top of this very mini tractor or quad bike. One wrong move and they will all come crashing down, probably on this guy's head. Worst job in the world?

Some Rules for Writers

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clich├ęs like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Don't use no double negatives.

12. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out or mispeld something.

13. Eschew obfuscation.

Funny Ads What Santa Wishes For Knife

funny ad for knife what santa wishes for from ag russell knives Santa wishes for a knife? Really? What on earth for? I hope they are not saying that Santa needs protection. Or that he has some bad plans for all those naughty kids. AG Russell knives. Hmm, i dont really like your advertising strategy.

Really Dirty Ice Scuplture Car

really funny ice sculpture dirty people on a car Some person or people have gone to a lot of trouble to make this ice sculpture on the car. Im not going to say what i think they are doing.

Funny Irish Drunk Joke

An Irishman is really, really drunk, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says:
"Right, you've had enough, go home..."

So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says:

"Ok, i'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more"

He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home. when he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face. so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.

The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?'

The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?'

His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'

Funny Football Photos New Stand

funny football photos soccer ground with empty stand all the spectators are in the building next door Classic football photo. Alsmost empty stand inside the ground, but full building just outside. These spectators arent idiots. They wont to pay if they dont have to. I think the football ground's only solution is to build a baricade or wall as tall as the building. Not going to happen!

Funny Funeral Jokes How to Have Fun

Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.

Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

Funny Cars New Design Added Horsepower

funny car photos new horse and car back end pic Yes, 2 horsepower on this car to be exact. Its a new meaning to horse and car. So why have an engine when you can hook up the rear of the car to a couple of horses. I wonder if you can buy the cars like this directly from the dealer or showroom. Come much cheaper.

Funny Cars New Volkswagen Jetta Body

funny car photos of ad for volkswagen jetta new body style but all smashed up I love the idea of this ad. Ok, so the Jetta is all smashed up - lets call it a "New Body Style". Whats the bet that this ad was designed by someone in Marketing?

Weird Snake and Child Friends

funny crazy weird photo of kid lying with a big python snake really dangerous yeah, id let my kid play with a big python snake. Not. Just a little dangerous.

Funny Magnetic Alphabet for Sale

funny fridays photo of magnetic alpabet without any letters just square circle rectangle blocksThe old Magnetic Alphabet. Good for kids. Now where are all those letters?

Low Flying Air France Plane

funny fridays photos low flying air france plane on beach I cant say that this is a beach i would want to be relaxing on. That is some very low flying air france plane.

Red Legs Rude Wash Basin

funny photo of red wash basin of womans legs and backside very rude There is something altogether wrong about this photo of a woman's red legs being used as a wash basin. Have a look at that pose and the way the kid has to lean over the backside to get to the tap. Yes, very wrong.

Funny High Heel Stool Shoes

funny fridays photo of high heel shoes made as stool or chair foot stools perhaps Ive never understood the obsession with high heel shoes. This is a smart alteration, make them in the shape of a stools or chair. Foot stools? More comfortable.

Clever Marketing Joke

An inter-office softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company.

The support staff beat the marketing department soundly.

To show just how the marketing department earns their living, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2008 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, winning only one game."

Christmas Thanksgiving Turkey Hiding

funny fridays animal pics turkey  hiding from being cooked and eaten puts lampshade on head as disguise This turkey doesnt want to become dinner does he? What better way to hide than by putting a lamp shade on your head. Better to be sitting down to thanksgiving or christmas dinner rather than being dinner itself.

Strange Questions for Life

1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

6. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

10. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

12. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

13. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

14. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

18. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

19. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

20. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

21. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

22. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

23. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

Funny Mens Inheritance Joke

Still living at home, bored, and expecting to inherit a fortune when his sickly widower father died, Bob decided he needed a woman to keep him company.

So he went to a singles bar, and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Bob that night.

And four days later, she became his stepmother.

Funny Helium Gas Picture

funny fridays photo of helium bottle gas escaping into mans face I guess this is helium, but i suppose it could be any gas or even oxygen. Its what happens when you let it escape from the bottle. Nice face fella.

Hang On Overcrowded Truck

funny fridays photo of really overcrowded old truck with people looks like it could tip over This truck is so old im not quite sure how it is still running. And it is leaning an awful lot under its load. Thats not stopping these desperate people from climbing aboard and hanging on for dear life. I particularly like the lady in yellow who looks like she might fall at any moment. Odd.

What About Gay Marriage Video

A very funny satirical take on Gay Marriage. At least i hope its satire. What we might have seen in the 1950's.

Funny Swahili Translation Joke

A company was doing an English-language movie where, at one point, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili.

They even found someone who knew the language, and the scene worked beautifully in the movie - until it played in an African town where Swahili was well-known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:

"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"

How Not to Build Your Carport Garage

funny photo of house with a carport or garage without a driveway just a landscaped front yardThats right, make sure when you build your carport or garage, you put a driveway up to it, and not just landscape a lawn in front of it. Very hard to get your car in. Then again, maybe these guys dont have a car. They just want to fill the garage with junk.

Stuck on a Desert Island Joke

The shipwrecked man had spent a number of years on a deserted island.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned man a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

Very Rude Funny Door Mat Photo

funny door mat photo oh shit not you again Just goes to show that some people dont want you to come around. I should have one of these funny door mats at my front door. People might get the message. I dont want you here.

Cadillac Boat Car Photo

funny photo of car turned into a boat cadillac Why wouldnt you turn your car into a boat? Except that this cadillac really cant go onto to water. It would sink...wouldnt it?

Funny Thesaurus Accident Joke

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, amazed, astounded, and unsettled.

Most Wanted Criminals

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station.

While there, they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Tommy asked, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

Funny Children Painting Photo

funny kids painting with house white paint making a major mess redecorating the living room and tv photo This is what could happen if you leave your children alone with paint - boy, havent they made some mess. These kids might be in a little bit of trouble im afraid. Bit hard to watch TV when its covered with white paint.

Proof Big Foot Exists Photo

funny photo proof that big foot exists feet impressions in sand on beach pic Now that is some Big Foot on the beach. Two feet impressions. Yes, Big Foot obviously exists. Or maybe its just an ad for Hang Ten. Funny.

Mens Arrival at the Pearly Gates Joke

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.

"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.

How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Funny Engineers in a Car Computer Joke

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"

Man's Dating Test Joke

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

Funny Widow Personal Ad

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: Rich Widow Looking for Man to Share Life and Fortune with the Following Qualifications:


For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

“Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Funny Joke from the Nudist Beach

One day, a kid's mom and dad took him to a nude beach. The kid went to play in the water and came back a little while later and told his mom "I just saw a woman who had bigger things than you do mom”. His mom replied, "The bigger the woman's boobs the dumber the woman”.

So, the boy went out to play again, and came back a little while later and said to his mom "Mom, I just saw a man who has a bigger thing than Dad”. His mom replied "The bigger the thing, the dumber the guy."

So the kid went out to play again, then came back and told his mom "Daddy was talking to a woman, and he kept getting dumber and dumber”.

God Chats to Adam Joke

So God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news.

What do you want to hear first?"

Adam replies, "The good news”.

God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."

Then Adam says, "OK, so what's the bad news?"

And God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time”.

Great Work Sayings

When you get frustrated at work, just think of saying one of the following:

1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
13. Allow me to introduce my selves.
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
18. I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
19. Not all men [women] are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
21. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
22. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
29. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
30. I plead contemporary insanity.
31. And which dwarf are you?
32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
33. Meandering to a different drummer.

New Train Signalman Joke

Bob is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Bob a pop quiz, asking: 'What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?'

Bob says: 'I would switch one train to another track.'

'What if the lever broke?' asks the inspector.

'Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there', answers Bob.

'What if that had been struck by lightning?' challenges the inspector.

'Then,' Bob continued, 'I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.'

'What if the phone was busy?'

'In that case,' Bob argued, 'I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station'.

'What if that had been vandalized?'

'Oh well,' said Bob, 'In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Charlie'.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, 'Why would you do that?'

'Because he's never seen a train crash.'

Great Toliet View High Rise

funny fridays photo of toilet in high rise building urinal wiht great view big windowsNow this is something i could understand. Why not have a great view when you are in the toilet doing your business. I just hope that there isnt another taller high rise building close by that could peer into this bathroom.

Funny Girl with Lots of Cameras

funny photo of girl taking photos of group loaded with lots of cameras Ok, so how many people is this person taking photos for? I hope she wasnt just passing by and someone asked her to take a photo of their group. I count at least 7 cameras, minus the one that is taking the photo of her. That probably got passed to her after this one was taken. Poor girl.

Funny Helmet on Wrong Way

funny pic of woman on bike with helmet on wrong way around crazy Ok, look closely, she isnt even blonde. But this helmet is on the wrong way. I wonder if it still offers protection. Crazy people.