What Estate Agents Really Mean

We have all read them, the descriptions that accompany ads for property. This is what Realtors really mean when they say...

SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - Next to a noisy bar.

OLD WORLD CHARM - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.

CONTEMPORARY FEELING - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.

CLOSE TO LAKES - Impossible to park from April to October.

WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed supporting walls.

SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbor has a dog.

NEEDS TLC - Major structural damage.

UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows.

MOTIVATED SELLER - Has been on the market for 14 years.

CONVENIENT - Located on freeway entrance ramp.

MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.

NEUTRAL DECOR - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.

MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing.

COZY - No room larger than 9 x 6.

LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM - Ping Pong table over sewer opening.

LIGHT OPEN SPACES - Many holes in walls and ceiling.

OUTSTANDING - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.

A WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES - Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies.

BOX ROOM - Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes ... folded.

BY PRIVATE TREATY - If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.

COMPACT - Tiny.

COUNTRY GENTLEMAN'S RESIDENCE - No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.

DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE - It looks terrible.

DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION - In flight path of nuclear bomber base.

EASILY MAINTAINED - Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.

EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED - Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.

FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST - Grounds like a jungle.

LOCAL AUTHORITY GRANTS AVAILABLE - About to be condemned.

MUCH SOUGHT AFTER - It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.

OWNER EAGER TO SELL - If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.

PARTIAL CENTRAL HEATING - The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.

PERIOD RESIDENCE - Built in the last two years.

QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING - On site of proposed dormitory town.

RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY - No one else wants it.

SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD - Beside sewage works.

SOLD - Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.

SUBJECT TO NEW INSTRUCTIONS - They have just discovered death watch beetle.

UNSPOILED - Planning permission granted for field next door.

UNUSUAL FEATURES - No roof.

UNUSUAL LOCATION - In the path of a projected motorway.

USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS - No inside toilet.

WELL SITUATED - In full view of the neighbors.

WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF - Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.